This is, of course, not serious.
– FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE –
ANNOUNCEMENT: Brian Van’s Testicular Organ Donation
As you may have heard around town, Brian Van’s hearty-sized gonads have been the source of much conflict and discomfort for the last half-century. Too many fights; too many bad nights! Due to oversupply of hormones and angst, as well as a massive potential profit opportunity, Brian Van intends to find a suitable recipient for one of his testicles based on the highest bid.
This is a one-in-a-lifetime opportunity. The testicle is in perfect working condition (some would say it works TOO well!), is of ample size (some would say TOO big!) , and releases ample amounts of spermatoza (some would… ehh, you get the point). Repeated testing has verified that it functions up to five times daily and for many hours at a time. Has been kept in near-mint condition mostly in a low-hanging sack* since 1979.
Serious inquiries only, please. Bidding starts at $500,000. No refunds or returns, especially if it causes you to walk-off balance because of it’s heft and volume. ONLY ONE AVAILABLE. (The other’s mine, bitches.)
*sometimes in yo momma’s mouth.